3 little words

What are the three hardest words you have ever said? What three words make your tongue cleave to the roof of your mouth and refuse to function? What three words make your heart race so hard it seems as if a heart attack would be better than what you are currently experiencing? What three words take forever to say and when said cannot be taken back? What three words can change relationships forever? What three words demand a silent response followed by shed tears? What three words, when whispered, can have two completely opposite effects – they either pull love ones towards you or repel them as a bug spray on a summer day. What three words make your bones shift and your bowels move? What three words can change our lives forever? Are they —– I am sorry? I love you? I hate you? Please forgive me? You’ve got mail? |50% off Sale|? Nope, not even close! None of these words come close to the impact that ‘’I AM GAY’’ has when whispered to a friend or your family or even more catastrophic, a lover.

 

Being gay, in itself is a lonely and treacherous road to walk. On the outside, it looks all glamorous and sparkly and ‘fab’!. But it’s not always about cocktails, cute Fendi totes, designer clothes, drag queens and blow jobs (don’t look at me). Sure we do indulge in the finer things of life [happening parties and clubs, designer labels, great sex, and so on] and of course we are the hallmark of the most important industries [fashion and entertainment] that matter. But when the music stops and we are stripped of everything including our ‘avant garde-ness’, we are only left with our thoughts. And all that’s floating around in our heads is, ‘’How can I tell them?’’, ‘’How can I break the news?’’, ‘’How can I do this without shattering dreams and breaking hearts?’’, ‘’How can I say the three hardest words known to man?’’ [Maybe Oprah knows how to break this kind of news….hmmm]

Some things in life don’t come with a manual and so there are no easy ways around them —- like calculus; breaking up with a guy; fitting in to a size 4 when you are a size 14…blah blah blah…

The damage can be so unpredictable that preparing for it futile. So go head on, kiss your Gucci loafers, cross your fingers and toes, say three ‘Hail Maries’ and hope for the best. This is the approach one has to take when thinking about whispering the three hardest words to their love ones.

 

When the time was ‘’right’’ [if there is such a thing], this was the ‘’approach’’ I employed when I decided to tell Mommy dearest (aka Miss Irene…) the three hardest words. I waited until my birthday (good move or not? –I don’t know.. LOLOL. I thought it would have been a good present to myself). She was in a good mood; so was I. We talked about our usual chitter-chatter and then I told her I wanted to ‘’discuss’’ something with her. When I ushered those three words it was if I vomited on her. The sky became pissed, the wind refused to blow in my direction, the sun threw down itself and decided not to shine on me, everything became still and then it was as if hell farted and it was all fire and brimstone. Soon I realized nothing could have prepared me for what was about to happen. Nothing could have reassured me nor make things ‘’better’’. Nothing could make those three words as wonderful to the ear as the rainbow it’s represented by. Nothing!

And after sitting silently [while crying and trying to keep it together] and listen to my mother’s sermon about my three little words, then there was a deafening silence on the phone. She hung up! She had said all she had to say and there was nothing that I could have said to have made those three little words bring a smile instead of a frown.

 

Is it that the impact on a friend is less than on a relative? Or, is it that your friends ‘’understand’’? Or, is it that the generational gap between your friends and your family makes a difference? Or maybe…just maybe true friends always ‘’know’’ [or, so they say to ease the pain they see on our faces when we tense up to tell them the hardest sentence known to mankind] and they are just waiting for you to share your precious little secret with them. Being a Jamaican, it’s not easy to share this secret. These are three words that many men and women never think to utter to their families, more so their friends. But, from my experience, true friends care less if you are gay, straight or like puppets. True friends are those who sit quietly while you try to utter the three most difficult words of your life, and after you have uttered them, they embrace you with unconditional love, cry with you and then treat you to a cocktail at the most swinging bar.

 

While I know that Jamaica isn’t indigenous to this level of ‘hush hush’, I had no idea Japan could beat us. I assumed that these guys would tell their mothers over a nice hot cup of green tea and sea weed crackers, but no. While Japanese SEEM to be tolerant of foreigners being gay, our Asian mommies and daddies aren’t so tolerant when their hand-bag carrying, hair perm-ing, make-up wearing, and Victoria secret buying sons [who are sometimes married on top of all of this…. DON’T ASK ME HOW? —Japanese women are just cluelessssssssssss] come home to say, ‘’私は同性愛者です。’’ = ‘’I AM GAY’’.  So, the three hardest words to utter are the three hardest words to swallow in Japan [even if they put syo-yu sauce on it].

 

Well, whatever happens when you dear to mention those three little words, happens! Be strong! Be fierce! Because, whether you belief you were born ‘’this way’’; or forced into ‘’it’’; had an unpleasant childhood experience and somehow ended up ‘in it’’; just curious and tried and couldn’t stop trying ‘’it’’. Whether you belief in the nature vs. nurture theory; you are here and you are queer and that’s how it’s gonna be! So stand resolute in your PRIDE and don’t be afraid! Put your Mac and Cover Girl lip balms on and bellow those three words. Because in doing so you fight your fear, show your pride and armor yourself from all negativity that’s ahead.

 

 

 

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. camile
    Jun 17, 2011 @ 22:48:01

    very interesting, good morning read! be what u r and dont change for nobody!

    camile fraucious

    Reply

  2. kattie31
    Jun 18, 2011 @ 12:05:18

    Can imagine D but we have to be truthful to ourselves……

    Reply

  3. Meiki Rhule
    Jul 10, 2011 @ 11:05:46

    hmmm. no plan of sayin them to mommy and daddy anytime soon

    Reply

  4. fromtops2bottoms
    Jul 10, 2011 @ 11:11:43

    Hey Meiki.. Really? Have you ever thought about it? At first it’s scary and so heart-wrenching and it actually made me feel better and my Mom and I are very good now [at first no… but now…ok]. It’s just one of those crazy things.

    Reply

  5. Angelique
    Jul 15, 2011 @ 00:38:37

    “I am Gay” tell that to my traditional christian, middle age, single adopted mother? Hell shitting NO!!! I know it feels liberating but heavens that’s one liberation I can live without for now! Maybe far away, I will use your escape route and tell her over the phone or in a letter that way she doesn’t have to see me and grieve everyday but will be damn glad I am home for the Christmas or part of the summer because she hasn’t seen me in so long. Some of my friends know, some speculate and let’s just say un balance as it may seem, my life is balanced in that regard for now…those hard the hardest words ever mentioned yet, and growing up with friends and family members, you know how deeply entrenched such a phrase will be and what the impact will be, some quite irreversible.

    Reply

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