Man/l-function

If you are lucky enough to be gay (eat your heart out bitches); have gay friends; even privileged to be in our presence (lolol…It’s a privilege), or know anything about gay culture, you should have heard of the word, ‘’Gaydar’’ (gay + radar = ‘‘Gaydar’’). Each and every gay is equipped with this weapon. Come close to us and you might get set it off and then begins the strip and search (*wink wink*). So, basically, according the NEW OXFORD HOMO Dick-tionary, the ‘‘Gaydar’’ operates as a six-sense which tells us if another guy is gay or not; and to what degree. In some cases, even on a weak battery, the ‘‘Gaydar’’ goes off like a siren [that means, the person is gay as hell]. Damn!  It is said that all gay men possess this gift and that we can sniff out a Gucci-perfumed man in the middle of peak hour on a Friday afternoon. And I am sure our lesbian counter-part can sniff out the home-depot and those timberland boots off a girl from a million feet.

I think my ‘‘Gaydar’’ was pretty good, or was it just Jamaica? Maybe! Coming to Japan, it seems like my ‘‘Gaydar’’ was thrown out of whack. I first noticed this when I just moved here. Japanese men are so different from Jamaican men or even western men. They walk hand and hand; sit in each other’s lap and are very physical with one another and to top it off they wear jeans that are skin-tight. Only a gay man would wear clothes that tight, I naively thought. But these Japanese are straight (or so they think)!!!!

The longer I lived here, my ‘‘Gaydar’’ continued to be called into question. So, you have the guys who bring purses (no not wallets)… I mean full-fledge Christian Dior totes: they wear make-up (no, not lip balm)… I mean as much make-up as Rupaul; and they go to the Salon (no, not the barber)… I mean the hair salon with curling irons and perms. Yep! Our little Oriental guys are sporting coiffes that only the most fashionista gay men in the west would try to get away with. Name it they are doing it: – accessorizing, plucking eyebrows, tanning, fake tanner, listening to dance music and vogue-ing out to the latest disco diva or club track. Done, done and done!

I felt hopeless at this point. My once reliable ‘‘Gaydar’’, that has been with me since BIRTH has been compromised. I felt lost and confused.

But what makes it worst is the difference between the guys in the city and the guys in the country. Holy Mary Mother Of Jesus!!! Hold on to your bra straps, bitches! The men in cities are virtually impossible to “detect.” Maybe I would need to borrow Rupaul’s ‘‘Gaydar’’ to pick them out of a line-up. Talk about hand bag carrying, wearing barrettes in their hair, paint their nails and carry cute little dangly cartoon character charms on their cell phones or bags. And, they are often holding hands with a girl or seemingly have girlfriends! It’s bizarre.

Japanese guys are even more touchy-feely with each other than anywhere else I have been (except India… LOLOLOL… Now, that’s another story….SERIOUSLY it is). I’ve personally witnessed what looked like groups of average teen sports-playing guys fiddle with each others’ hair and put their arms around one another’s waists. And I assumed they are straight .And if I should start telling tales about the JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL boys, now that’s another story (so many stories to tell….. damn!!!). The JHS boys literally play with each other’s dicks and poke their fingers in each other’s asses. And these are the straight kids! The gay boys are at their desk reading books. (DO NOT LAUGH!!). No straight man in Jamaica nor western countries would behave in even remotely a similar way. It takes “metrosexual” to a whole new level.

So, here is one of the many mysteries of Japan. How then does one tell if a man is gay here? Perhaps a lot of these strange specimens are in fact gay and just don’t admit it (~ and again, that’s another story!). Surely, it is not possible for there to be so much cross-cultural confusion. And I know that with the “keeping up appearances” and conformity which pervades Japanese culture many gay men are probably forced to stay in the closet and dare not venture out (well, only between 10 PM and 6 AM), in fear of not getting married (which is a big thing in Japan). Perhaps some of these men can’t even come to grips that they are infact, GAY. It would be stepping out of the box way too much, and that’s sacrilege in Japan. So they grow up, get married and have kids, all the while secretly lusting after men and denying it to themselves. It’s sad if this is the case. And it’s no way to live.

I still haven’t gotten to the bottom of this mystery. I hope someone can ‘top’ me (pun intended!!). And my ‘‘Gaydar’’ is as shaky as ever. But I need to get it recalibrated when I return to the west: the land where straight men wear polo shirts, baseball hats, stay away from tanning salons and women’s accessories and listen to hip hop or rap and play sports while gay men wear tight clothes, highlight and style their hair, accessorize, and groove to Madonna. Until then, I’ll stick to my Indian and Pakistani ‘’diet’’. [It’s about time I tell you that story..LOLOLOL]

 

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15 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kemar
    Jun 03, 2011 @ 09:25:52

    i guess my gaydar is up and fully functional

    Reply

  2. GuddieGuddie69
    Jun 03, 2011 @ 11:58:10

    I am loving it…..if ur ‘dar is out of wack what would mine be doing….i enjoyed this article. now u force me to read the others i have missed…..

    Reply

  3. wingedtraveler
    Jun 03, 2011 @ 15:25:21

    The gay men in Asia, are the ones who wear polo shirts, listen to hip-hop and rock baseball caps, duh. LOL!

    Reply

  4. Camile
    Jun 03, 2011 @ 16:01:35

    Ahhhhh Bwoi!!! This was H-i-^L-A-R-I-O-U-S, hilarity at its best I tell ya! my Gaydar is on Point but I think even I would be confused if I ventured into Japan. Holy Crappadoodles Darling, as “Straight” Girl, I think Japan is bad for my Self-Esteem, cuz I would be hitting on Gay Men not knowing and having sleepless nights wondering why I’m rejected LOL Thanks for the heads up boo lol

    Reply

    • fromtops2bottoms
      Jun 03, 2011 @ 17:13:25

      Lolololol. Well, the DL GAYS might put out a hit on me saying that I’m letting out their secret. But too bad fi dem. They need to face reality. Leff the poor church sister dem alone. And stop tek people gal pickney turn prekkee!! Bun mi!!!

      Reply

  5. Camile
    Jun 03, 2011 @ 19:03:48

    Bwoy D, every job have their disadvantages, and getting a beating for disclosing the Truth is just yours, so Grin and bear it, keeping in mind the Greater Good “You are enlightening the Naive, like myself here” LOLOL

    Reply

  6. Angelique
    Jul 14, 2011 @ 23:01:25

    So I am cracking up! And after reading this article I went into retrospection, recollecting the many lesbian friends I have (and yes Dwayne I know its a privlege to have you guys as friends, I will sure learn to ‘eat’ my heart out..dwl), and I started to wonder if my gaydar was on point, and I found it to be damn good working condition, well according to your article, it works pretty well in the Region, cause having traveled to Trinidad, being a part Bajan (and as you know lesbianism is legalized in Barbados but not homosexuality) and living most if not all of my life in Jamaica, once I became expose to the Gaydar mine has been inspected, renovated and now a new specie…I can even detect a girl who thinks she is straight, or a femme who wants to be a butch…dwl…but I am here thinking that maybe our Gaydar is cultural.

    It works more efficiently in the culture that it was invented. I doubt a Japanese Gay guy would have difficulty picking out another gay guy from a crowd but for us it would be different. Our gaydar works at is best in our own culture with minute opportunities for efficiency in other cultures because of the cross reference and similarities between two or more cultures. Which probably is why Jamaicans and those from the region can quickly identify a gay/lesbian from the West (America, Canada, and part of Europe) because of its close proximity and the interchange of culture practices.

    Don’t worry Dwayne as you learn the culture your Gaydar will be up and running in that section of the world, and then after travelling to different places, exchange of info like this, our Gaydar can become very efficient and functional across International boundaries.

    Those are just my views.

    Signed: Angelique’

    Reply

  7. fromtops2bottoms
    Jul 14, 2011 @ 23:07:08

    Angelique…. HOW you know so!! No man!! I miss Jamaica! My GAYDAR was on point in Jamaica.. I could spot you MILES away, even if you had NO PULSE!! lololololol..
    In Japan, I am screwed (well, not really..LOL)

    Reply

  8. fromtops2bottoms
    Jul 14, 2011 @ 23:09:34

    Angelique…. HOW you know so!! No man!! I miss Jamaica! My GAYDAR was on point in Jamaica.. I could spot you MILES away, even if you had NO PULSE!! lololololol….
    In Japan, I am screwed (well, not really..LOL)…

    Continue being GAYDAR-y for me and you!!

    Reply

  9. Angelique
    Jul 14, 2011 @ 23:28:19

    You are ‘screwed’ for true….I know right, can detect even if you have no pulse, man I love that feeling, cause then you just get to pounce on your prey….dwl…hush honey, you will soon learn how to make it work over there….I sure will continue you working ma Gaydar for the both of us…

    Should let you know though that they have become so prominent out here, it is isn’t funny, is like they don’t care anymore…the gaydar now jus works for the ones who have thought about but not sure they want to but you catch them one and two time giving the wrong person a glimpse, and if you stare to hard and for long you will luckily get a shy smile, but a smile just the same and you know, you can make a move, a very cautious one though. But the out ones don’t give a_____. They just out, the will make your raydar going into seriously danger zone….dwl! Just all a flash of a tongue ring, black virgin bands, a timberland and you got a bitch ‘jaw-dropping’ at you, if not drooling, then when u turn around, she start laughing with her friends..

    Reply

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