Die Alone……

As I lazily flip through my Facebook photos, I came upon some shots that I couldn’t recognize. The guy in the shot was absolutely fabulous, corky, was wearing a chic pink-checkered-printed shirt with a denim pant and recently faded out Mohawk haircut. He was bright-eyed and bushy tailed, some would say. He had a striking resemblance to me, but for some reason, it appeared to be a stranger. Hell, it was me for sure. Yester-year: precious times that have flown by so swiftly. It was as if my yester-years were laughing at me, jeering me and reminding me that I am quickly approaching my 30s. The big THREE-O. The point of no return. In the lovely world of the gays, 30s are the same as the 60s in the ‘straight’ world. I then thought to myself, ‘’Where has time gone? Is it that I waited too long to settle down? Is that I found the ‘right’ guy and I let him go?’’ [Then that brought on a whole different tangent of which one of those losers….I meant….exs was the ‘right one’ and if that were the case, what I could do to get back the ‘right one’. But then my Fag-hag called with yet another dilemma and interrupted my thought. Fag-hags always trumps day-dreaming!] Anyhooo, these serious questions continued to flood my mind as I thought of all the dates, the blind dates, the ‘’online dating’’, the guys I met at parties and clubs, the young guys, the older guys, all kinds, colors and creeds (except a Jew) …. [wait again, I hope I am not painting a bad picture of my repertoire.. ]

But don’t be fooled, these are the questions that a lot of persons have unanswered. Having my second cosmo’ cocktail (which I so love), this lead me to question Ingrid Michaelson (in her song, ‘’Die Alone’’) and wondered if she was wrong; am I going to eventually die alone? In her song, he promised that if you told the guy that you loved him and stop loving yourself, you wouldn’t die alone. Is she wrong? My friends think I am overreacting and being a drama queen. But that’s what friends should do: support you in your lowest moments. And I think many guys are there!!

Everyone has dreams. And late at nights some of us would stay up and dream of the fabulous boyfriend who would become our husband (or life partner); the amazing wedding or civil union; the adopted Asian baby; a brown-stone house in the city and a summer home at the beach; the anniversaries; the birthdays; the Christmases and New Years together and the list goes on and on. But when you are getting older and you can’t seem to land the fabulous boyfriend yet in order to decide on wall paper of the kitchen and what color your baby’s room should be; you start to fall in despair. And nobody likes to feel desperate and alone. Everybody wants their happy ending.

In ’Sex and the City’, Charlette said it well, ‘’WHERE IS HE?’’ [~ as she earnestly searched for her ‘Mr. Right’ and continued to find Mr. Not-right] This question has been on the lips of many guys; and yet it’s unanswered. Have you been dating since you were 16 years old? And as eager gay-beings, with each guy you date, you would hope that he is ‘the one’. Then two months later, there comes the break-up and you are back to the drawing board trying to find Mr. Right (now). At what point do you call it quits? At what point do you throw in the Gucci scarf? At what point do you start taking in the cats and dogs from the neighborhood shelter? At what point do you tell your friends to shout the hell up? At what point do you just call a spade a spade? That’s what I need to know!! Only if I had all the answers.

Finding yourself in this ‘die alone’ dilemma isn’t a warm feeling. It tends to feel cold, hopeless and painful. But there are two options available to guys who are in this position: (1) flight like a Drag-queen on Rupaul’s Drag Race, or (2) buy a blank Christian Dior avant garde gown and wait patiently for your funeral. What is it going to be?


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Angelique
    Jul 05, 2011 @ 15:28:05

    Sigh, so it 1:15am Jamaican time, the rain is falling on ma shingle roof, so I am hearing the pitter patter, and because I no longer want dwayne to be mad at me I decide to play catch up with his blogs, and now this young man have me asking myself the question, am I going to die alone? Its the perfect time to roll over and see her there lying beside u, her hair all muffled around her face, her legs thrown over u, one of her breast hanging out and a smirk on her face and u wonder what she is dreaming about but a mosquito bites u in the caribbean island as mine, u hear ur mother get up to use the bathroom, and ur aunt snoring next door and u realise all u jus imagine borders on a fantasy and a dream. So at the age of 27, u wonder will I die alone? Seriously, I need an answer. What else could explain all the other people, friends, relatives, co-workers who all getting married to their ‘soulmates’, and u either using school to hide ur pain, or u still living with ur parents, unemployed and SINGLE…makes u wanna turn the hollywood camera on your life and send it straight to the box office….call it ‘DO I DIE ALONE’, a thriller, a comedy, a action or a narrative; whatever the audience decides it based on a true story…u die alone, question or answer! 😦


  2. fromtops2bottoms
    Jul 05, 2011 @ 15:35:21

    Might God! I was just listen to the song ”DIE ALONE”…. You need to go sleep! You are not emotionally strong to continue reading. No sah!! Your AUNT SNORING in the next room??? LOLOLOLOLOL CLassic… More Sarah! Mi sorry fi you! Poor ting!!

    But it’s something I have thought about. ARE WE DOING TO DIE ALONE. As you said Sarah, everybody around you are finding their ”SOUL MATES” and you are finding the poison to drink. No sah! Something is wrong!

    But as my mother said, ”IF THERE IS LIFE, THERE IS HOPE.”…..

    Let’s believe in that HOPE!!! What else can we do?? — I’m believing for you and I. 🙂


  3. Angelique
    Jul 05, 2011 @ 16:12:04

    I couldn’t sleep with your voice(that I haven’t heard yet in my life) going, I am EVIL, so I had to at least do one…emotionally strong? Am I ever emotionally strong? That is the question dear.

    I am having faith, till I start to wonder if its FAITH or FATE…cause one of them leave more scarring than the other, but least hold on and wait the wounds heal, the clouds clear, the dust settles, the splinters removed, so we can decide which one is it…

    Still can’t understand why people always say ‘hang in there’, isn’t that suicidal? All I want is laughter, hugs and kisses, late night movies, a steamy hot sex on impulse, walks in the park with or without dogs, over planned vacation trips…so I need to hurry up and figure what FAITH/FATE has in store for us…


  4. fromtops2bottoms
    Jul 05, 2011 @ 17:34:00

    Sarah, are you hearing voices, AGAIN? OK! Take your medzzzz… lololol….

    Faith will bring us through! You have to believe in yourself and in your destiny! You can not give up. The moment you give up is the moment you are doomed!

    So, let’s leep forward in the future with faith, beautiful spirits and a bright attitude.


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