Financial Accounting 101: Gays’ Balance $heet

No matter what day of the week it is; the size of a country’s economy; the size of your Gucci loafer (or stiletto); or how many wieners you like to ‘have’ at a BBQ; the accounting equation says, ‘ASSETS = CAPITAL + LIABILITIES’.

According to my closeted, squeaky-voiced, tweed-jacket-wearing college Accounting Lecturer, an asset is any items of value owned by the company. And a liability is any debt owed by the company (which can long term or short term). While, the capital of the company is anything invested in it by its owners.

It would have made the accounting lectures more interesting if he had just explained the Balance Sheet for the Gays! Come on!!! We have one! While, I am at it, I need to check mine: I think it hasn’t been balanced for months now… or is it years??… Anyhoo, I digress!

A fag-hag; a party jeans; a fitted pant; a pink top; a rainbow flag; lip balm in every bag you have; nice highlights in your hair; a firm ass; succulent lips; good friends; clean underwear; are just some of the assets a gay guy has. And then, if we should listen to my goofy, hair-line-receding Accounting Lecturer, we can even further divide these assets into those that will last forever; those that are intangible and those that are short termed.

So, a good advice from your fag-hag; your parents approving of your sexuality; to be known for your ‘oral presentations’ skills; and brain/smarts (DON’T forget that), can amount to a tidy sum of intangible assets on your balance sheet. But if your Accountant asks you what long term assets you have, don’t be afraid to whip it (them) out and show him. Show him your perfectly formed body; luscious lips; sparkling eyes and fabulous manicure; Kenneth Cole loafer and Prada tote. If these don’t add value to your balance sheet, I don’t know what will.

But then, I am sure he will still want to check for those short term assets that are constantly changing. This is the point where you need to ‘turn it all out’’ and put your date book, underwear, lip balm, and mood on the table. He should be satisfied with that!

So, keeping in mind that all this fabulous asset = capital + liability, the liabilities of gays can be so tantamount! The credit card bills for that fabulous Hermes sweater, Marc Jacobs bag, tickets to see Celine Dion Los Vegas Show and Mac make up, you just had to have. Yeah, these are liabilities alright! But good ones! That is nothing compared to the liabilities which seems like they never go away such as that ex-boyfriend who won’t leave you alone; that nagging mother who insist on calling you everyday reminding you that you are getting older and you are not married yet; that shirt you have for your ‘ex’ that you kept after the break up, which smells like him; and that suppressed memory of your ‘first time’. Now, these are liabilities that you need to get rid of as fast as you try to get rid of a bad date/bad kisser/bad  ~er.

Stock markets fail because investors stop investing. Gays can’t afford a failure! Cher would disown us; Elton John would go mute; the fashion industry would be in chaos and I would put on 2 kg ( ha ha ha.. as if I am not doing that anyway… anyhoo), if gays fail to invest! Gays invest allot of time on hair and outfits. Good lord! I can’t tell you the number of times I have threatened to commit my fag-hag if she messes up my hair. (I love her so: So patient)

The perfect outfit is deemed a big investment for any guy. That special outfit which sets you apart from everybody else. Investment! That perfect pant which hugs your ass and tastefully shows your assets. Investment! That chic shirt with a fabulous neck line, hugs your body and at a perfect length. Investment! That edgy loafer which pairs with your party pant! Investment!

Similarly with assets and liabilities, capital has its variation. There are those low-risk, high return capital investment that every gay guy should have on his balance sheet. These are time you invest with your friends, family and lover; the love that grows between you and your fag-hag; the patience you have with your family if they don’t understand why you are gay; the forgiveness you share with ones who have hurt you; the tears you cry when you’ve lost a friend to HIV/AIDS; the anti-gay parades you march in (whether physically or in your heart); the closeted guy you help to fully accept and love himself and then there are those cherished cosmos you share with your friends who help you celebrate you life, love you unconditionally, and support you through every wardrobe disaster and break-ups.

ASSETS equal CAPITAL plus LIABILITIES. The balancing effect of gay guy’s balance sheet! Precious!


8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Angelique'
    Apr 10, 2011 @ 03:13:59

    Now I would have never known what assets=liabilities plus capital until u explained it on a “gay spread sheet”, certainly no pun intended….smile.


    • fromtops2bottoms
      Apr 10, 2011 @ 12:43:08

      Oh Lord! Angelique!!! SPREADSHEET??? lololol — Poor ting! I love you so! Not spread sheet dear… Balance sheet! Are you having your COCKtails while you read this? I am gonna tell your Pastor on you! :=)))
      Love you dear. Thanks for the readership!


  2. brannen779
    Apr 10, 2011 @ 04:49:33

    Assets and liabilities???
    The best long term asset to me is a ‘beautiful mind’ … PERIOD!! Yes, yes, yes… looks and body are always an immediate attraction, but I can’t tell you how many times i see a beautiful person, yet when they open their mouths to speak, the whole image is just shattered (literally). I am not one for physical entrapments. I don’t do designer anything! If I happen to own something ‘designer’ its not because of the designer/label, its because I happen to like that particular item. Of course I like to have nice things (who doesn’t?) but I will NEVER rack up unnecessary bills just to have this name or that hame hanging of my frame….. waste!!!
    Assets are anything that gives peace of mind: good friends, family, … good people around you, generally.
    Liabilities??? I avoid them… including dumping people who turn out to be assholes, jerks or just plain idiots! totally not worth it…. I rather be alone.


    • fromtops2bottoms
      Apr 10, 2011 @ 12:47:12

      Beautiful Mind…. Isnt that the name of a Gay movie! I think so. But anyway, you are right! While the ‘physical’ is an asset (we must agree)… its a temporary asset that eventually depreciates!
      Worthwhile assets are as you said…. and Liabilities (though we try to avoid them) are often times in our lives and its for us to try and rid them!

      But I love a good Investment!!!! A good CAPITAL base!!! I am glad I have a few good friends and my Mom who has turned around so beautifully (she knows I am gay now)…. That’s a miracle in itself! :=)))


  3. mrking
    Apr 12, 2011 @ 12:52:59

    this is a very good look into the accounts of a gay man, very enlightening ….keep up the good work


  4. Fiyu Pikni
    May 01, 2011 @ 05:51:51

    hehe funny post 🙂

    But I pity the gay guy who doesn’t fit into the model you’ve presented here.


    • fromtops2bottoms
      May 01, 2011 @ 10:36:40

      It’s not a Model…… Remember, everyones’ balance sheet will comprise different things at various time of his/her life. But it must be balanced! That’s the point! 🙂


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